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Throwback ~ The Lady In Black
09/09/2016 |
I bid you welcome gentle readers, and the same warm welcome
goes out to our assigned reader of the day from NASCAR. I do hope you all enjoy
a bit of history with your coffee. Your scribe had considered writing quite a
different column here, but allowed common sense to rule and give this week over
to the Lady in Black without further comment on some things surrounding this
year’s running of the Southern 500 at Darlington. At some point you will
undoubtedly be given a not-too-subtle hint of what you missed or what was
missing… however, experience has taught that arguing with fools is an argument
one cannot win and will only end up being thought another fool.
Such being the case, we now return to the sojourns of
the irascible Lady in Black as she visits Darlington on Labor Day 2003 for what
for many years was thought to be the last true Southern 500. For any gentle
readers that are not familiar with the Lady or for those among us that just
have short or failing memories, you can find the actual race results by clicking right about here. Now, without
further ado, here is the tale of “The Last Southern 500” as related on that day
by the Lady in Black.
The
festivities got underway with a wonderful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner
by Lt. Col. Roseanne Lynch of the United States Marine Corp. That lovely lady
had a vocal range that most of us could only dream about.
(You’ll find the Anthem at the 29-minute mark)
This
week we actually got to see a Winston Victory Lap taken by three-time Winston
Cup Champion, Cale Yarborough, and my, doesn’t that old boy still look fine.
I’ll bet that he’s still up to muscling one of those rolling behemoths around
without power steering. (Okay, you caught me! Once upon a time, I was a real
fan of Cale.)
The
contest got under way with the sophomore class on the front row, and it was
Friday Ryan out to the early lead from the pole, with Jeffy’s
Mini-me, the Candy Man, and Texas Terry in tow. The gladiators managed to drive
all the way to lap 6 before putting the man in the little stilt house to work,
when Chasin’ Laughter, the new zero hero, fed a
Christian to the lions (AKA the wall). Along with those two, also destined for
a very long afternoon were Dale Swear-it, Rusty Fenders, Black Haired Mikey and
Raindrops. Because it was Darlington, no one was playing that all too familiar
fuel mileage game and they all came in for a beer and pretzels. Actually, all
but one came in as Jimmy Buschwhacker kept Mongo out
for an extra lap, looking for a fire hydrant. Give the lad five bonus pretzels
for that.
On the
restart, someone near the front didn’t get his foot on the gas fast enough and
caused one of those chain-reaction things that you see on the freeway during
rush hour. Mutt Kenseth backed off the gas and collected a tap from Jeffy Gorgon, who in turn lost several colors of his
rainbow to the hood of Munchkin Martin’s car. Behind them, Sterling Silver
apparently attacked Captain Nemo with his radiator and came out the loser. Both
the Silver Bullet and the Pfizer rolling drugstore retired for repairs and Nemo
lost a couple of laps for repairs to the Nautilus. Amazingly, there was no
caution for all that. I guess the man in the little house was taking his own
beer break.
At lap
44 we saw Jimmy Buschwhacker bring Mongo to the pits
for a grooming, saying it was just “bad loose.” By lap 62, the DeWalt Darling and the Budmobile
started to reel in Flyin’ Ryan, who had led every lap
to that point but the one Mongo took. Four laps later, he had to cede it to
Mutt, while we saw pit stops for Marblemouth, the
Zero Hero and Green with Envy. NASCAR claimed that Wawd
drank his beer too fast and invited him back for another quickie.
At lap
71, we saw an interesting caution for debris. Someone said that whatever it was
came from Wild Biyull’s car, and if it did, no one
will be hearing from him for a bit. That thing looked Cingularly like a cell phone to me. I wonder if it
was a Nextel! The ensuing Bud break came just in time for the Bud Wagon, which
had a tire going flat. On the restart, it was Mutt in the lead, followed by Jeffy Bootin’, the New Man, the
Bud Stud and Kevin Havoc. There was a bit of bumping and running on that start
as well, with Green with Envy giving the leader a short trip to the wall, then
finding himself on the receiving end courtesy of SParky,
but they all bravely soldiered on.
The
yellow rag would fly again at lap 100, when Mule Skinner broke something
important to his steering and started singing, “Hello Walls.” After Miller
time, it was Citgo on the go, with the DeWalt tool cart,
Flyin’ Ryan and Dale the Lesser
behind him. That lasted for about ¼ a lap and Mutt retook the lead, only to
give it up a couple of laps later when he earned his Darlington stripe and fell
back to third. Around this time, a few of those rolling wrecks were coming back
on the track, minus an interesting combination of hoods and fenders that made
them resemble Modifieds more than stock cars. After a few more circles around
the track, we learned that his pit bulls were having trouble understanding Mutt
on the radio. Seems the lad spilled a bit of his Miller Lite into his
microphone and now he’s all garbled. (I wonder if that should be “gargled.”)
Lap 148
brought yet another caution for debris. (These lads could use some lessons in
neatness) Amusingly, Bootin’ slowed to allow the
Munchkin to get a lap back. That made him only 50 short of the rest of the
field. After the Coors stop, it was Havoc up front, followed by Jeffy’s Mini-me, Sniffles and the New Man, but the restart
had to be waved off, since the Budmobile was parked
on the track and the wheels wouldn’t turn. That would cost him 12 laps while
the pit bulls replaced a rear axle, and any hope of gaining points on Mutt this
week.
Lap 164
could have gotten very interesting when Busch League cut a left front Goodyear
down while attacking Jiminy McCricket with it and
slowed dramatically. Somehow, everyone managed to miss him, but it was all for
naught because three laps later there was another of those 6-car pileups. Casey
Smears went hunting for the upper groove, only to find that it was full of
rainbow colors that turned into a kaleidoscope right after the contact. Along
with those two kids, the afternoon was also spoiled for Dave Blarney, Ken
Shredder, Johnny Been-slow and Kenny Wall-Ace. It must have been the smoke (Or
a full moon) that caused Jeffy’s Mini-me not to see
what was left of the NAPA Parts cart until he punted it severely, coming to the
caution flag. Whatever it was must have cleared up in the pits because he came
away from the beer break as the leader.
No
sooner were they back under green than Flyin’ Ryan
took over the lead and both Not Too Sharpie and the Budmobile
got a lap back. After that, they continued to circle without much excitement
until lap 227 when Mongo bit the butt of Captain Nemo and assisted him into the
inside wall. That brought about the sixth Miller time of the afternoon, but
when the beers had been drunk and the snacks eaten, one car remained alone on
pit road, and that was the Alltel entry of Flyin’
Ryan. Those pit bulls pushed it to the end of pit road (about ten feet) and
back again several times, spraying vile things into the fuel intake and then
brought in reinforcements from the Miller crew, but the car refused to run.
You’re ahead of me, aren’t you? Remember
that little button on the steering wheel that those naughty kids have been
playing with lately. Well, it happened
again! The not so New Man hit the kill switch and killed about eight laps of
his race. Now, I understand that even after those TV gurus found out what was
really wrong, y’all were treated to the little toy car turned upside down, with
Buffet Benny explaining all about vapor lock.
They
didn’t get a long way down the road before caution #6 flew around lap 239. This
time, it was the already wounded car of Ken Shredder doing the honors when his
hood flew up and pretty well rendered him sightless. Without much choice of
what to hit, the wall in turn one seemed like a good idea so he chose that to
give the gang a chance to order up a Corona with lime. (Yeah, I know, but they
might be someday ~ that diversity thing, ya know)
Coming to the flag, two warriors got laps back from the leader, Toad Bodiddley and Dale the lesser. Only one lonesome soldier
stayed away from the bar for that round. That was Kevin Glue, leading a lap and
creating for himself a short-lived Kodak moment. Behind him at the start were
Havoc, McCricket, Sniffles and the Awesome One, while
ahead of him was Ryan the Revived, still trying to overcome that kill switch
thing.
As we
amused ourselves with watching the #4 fade from view up front, word spread that
Rickety Rudd, who’d been racing quite well to that point, had lost all power
steering. Well dang, he should be too old to handle that, but he kept right on truckin’. Sometimes those old boys surprise you! Lap 274 gave Rickety and all the others
another trip to the bar when the Hermanator slapped
the wall and stacked the track with parts of Stacker II.
They
returned to the track without a lot of change in the lineup and commenced to
circling around for a bit, the way I remember the middle stages of most
Darlington races. We learned that Cow Patty had lost a cylinder in the toilet
paper car (Probably from the shock of actually being competitive) and we saw a
little puff of smoke from underneath Sniffles’ car that no one thought much of
at the time.
At lap
311, the yellow flag waved from the stilt house for yet more debris from those
messy kids and as they slowed to come in for a quick one, we heard Sniffles
announce, “No clutch!” Aha! That was the puff of smoke we saw! It was his
flywheel hitting the ground and spewing itself all over the track. On the Smirnoff
Ice Triple Black break, their car missed the barstool and had to back up to get
service. Then he had to be pushed off the stool to get him on his way. Once
back on the track, it was Jiminy McCricket in the
lead, followed by Havoc, Texas Terry, Jeffy Bootin’ and Sniffles. In a few laps, we’d see Sniffles slow
down when the car jumped out of gear, but he found one and kept on truckin’.
Lap 333
brought us the final Coors break of the afternoon, courtesy of Rubby Gordon’s flat right front Goodyear and his Cingular
meeting with the wall because of it. Rubby
immediately announced that he had no steering, and then gave the crowd a smoke
show while trying to get the car back to the pits. He was awarded a 9.65 by the
judges for the figure “8” at the entrance to pit road.
When
they returned to the track, the new leader was the Terror of Texas, whose pit
bulls had turned him loose in just a tick over 13 seconds. Right behind him
were Mr. Goodwrench and the Lowe’s rolling hardware store. At the restart, the
Bud Stud got out around the leader, but realized that it wasn’t his fight any
longer and let the leaders go. With 28 laps to go, it was Alltel’s turn for the
Darlington stripe, hitting the wall and then caroming into Havoc. Soon after
that, Rubby hit the wall again and retired to the
lounge. At lap 346, the engine finally let go on the toilet paper car and Cow
Patty retired as well.
At lap
352, Sterling tarnished an already sad looking Silver Bullet when he hit the
wall then headed for the bar. The gang up front never changed a lot during the
last laps of the race. When the checkers waved, it was Texas Terry LaBonte waving back, for his first win in skatey-eight years. Behind him were Havoc, Jeffy’s Mini-me, McCricket, the
Awesome One and Jeremy Mayfail. (Gee, I haven’t used
that name in the finishing order in months)
As the
rest of the drivers headed for the garage, Texas Terry stopped on the track as
though he were contemplating doughnuts, but instead he drove to the little
house on stilts and the nice man tossed down the last checkered flag that will
ever fly over the Labor Day race at Darlington. What a touch of class it was
when, with that flag in hand, Terry took a good old-fashioned Texas Victory
Lap, making all left turns. The crowd went wild and if you think they all loved
that, you should have heard the cheers when the entire Kellogg’s crew scaled
the fence together.
The
crowning glory had to be when the two young guns who’d finished behind him
(Havoc and Mini-me) heaped praises and congratulations on the two-time Winston
Cup Champion without any rancor or envy. Coming 23 years less a day of his
first ever Winston Cup win, this victory was second in popularity only to that
epic Daytona 500 in 1998, when the Intimidator finally stood victorious after
20 tries.
Terry LaBonte, I salute you Sir! (I’ll try to lay off that
“lobotomy” thing for a little bit)
That’s
exactly the way it was at Darlington on Sunday. Would I lie to you?
~LIB
Thanks so much Lady in Black. We do hope you don’t
become a stranger in these parts. Folks love hearing from you from time to
time. Right now, forgive me but I have a simple message for the folks; then
we’ll go straight into our Classic Country Closeout for this week.
Now then gentle readers,
what do you suppose our theme might be for the Classic Country Closeout this
week? I think I’ve chosen a few songs apropos the Southern 500, and once again…
WELCOME HOME SOUTHERN 500!
First up, here is Hank
Thompson treating us to his version of, “I Hear the South Callin’ Me.”
Next let’s reach way back
and here Bob Wills and his Texas Playboys as they offer, “That’s What I Like about the
South.”
There must have been a
hundred or more recordings of this one and the best probably was from Bob Wills
and his Texas Playboys, but we just heard from them already so let’s give a
listen to Roy Clark and Reba McEntire teaming up for
a rousing version of “My Window Faces the South.”
The next song is very
dear to this old lady. I did a short-lived series with a good friend, which not
only bore the title of this song, but this very rendition was the background
for the racing stories of a much older time in Georgia. It was short-lived only
because I found it untenable to remain writing where I was, so I left and
joined my partner, Jim Fitzgerald in this effort to please and entertain the
race fans when they’re not at the races. Johnny, you are always welcome to join
us here. You know that.
Gentle readers, here is
Glen Campbell, giving us “Southern Nights.”
How about an oldie from
Grandpa Jones? Here he is singing “Are You from Dixie?”
And just one more before
Jim starts counting. Here is Red Foley, my favorite singer of all time, with
the Nashville Dixielanders playing and singing “Dixie!”
Be well gentle readers,
and remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you!
~PattyKay
