The Twelve Days of a NASCAR Christmas
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**Note: This piece appeared on Race Fans
Forever on December 15, 2013, but it was somehow “Lost in transit” when we
changed web hosts. A few days ago, several of our staff and readers began doing
a parody on the old song, and when I mentioned this article, they asked for a
rerun… and by golly, this is it!
I
bid you welcome gentle readers, and feel perhaps I should apologize up front
for what follows… but I won’t. It’s almost Christmas and this is a takeoff on
an old and oft-sung Christmas carol, "The Twelve Days of
Christmas"... with a twist. These twelve days, and the accompanying twelve
gifts come not from "my true love", but from NASCAR, and yes,
Virginia, there is a difference.
Please
understand that though some consider me to be a fair-to-middling journalist and
scripter of pretty words, when it came to studying and learning about such
things as iambs, feet, metric anything, pentameters, and whatever came later, I
took the day off to go shopping. Poetry is not and never was my forte, and
Heaven knows, that coffee-house stuff that doesn't even rhyme is not poetry...
just words, usually unrelated. With those ground rules established, here then
is my Christmas poem for NASCAR fans...
The Twelve
Days of a NASCAR Christmas
On
the first day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
A
Sprint Cup silver trophy!
On
the second day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Two
road courses… and a Sprint Cup silver trophy!
On
the third day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Three
short tracks, two road courses, and a Sprint Cup silver trophy!
On
the fourth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses, and a Sprint Cup silver
trophy!
On
the fifth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Sprint Cup silver
trophy!
We
pause now for a word from our sponsor... well, not really, but I want all the
NASCAR fans reading this to feel right at home and not miss their commercials,
so please enjoy Jeff Foxworthy as he presents “The 12 Days of Redneck
Christmas:”
And
now back to our regularly scheduled column, already in progress...
On
the sixth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Six
penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Sprint Cup silver
trophy!
On
the seventh day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Seven
second places, six penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Sprint Cup silver
trophy!
On
the eighth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Eight
cookie-cutters, seven second places, six penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Sprint Cup silver
trophy!
On
the ninth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me
Nine
engines roaring, eight cookie-cutters, seven second places, six penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Sprint Cup silver
trophy!
On
the tenth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Ten
pit crews leaping, nine engines roaring, eight cookie-cutters, seven second
places, six penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Sprint Cup silver
trophy!
We
pause once again for one final commercial break before the end of the song,
just like a real NASCAR race, when the TV fades to commercials with five laps
to go. This one comes from Bill Engvall and would you just look at that! He's
sent me a "Stupid sign" with a note that says, "Merry Christmas
Stupid." Aww... Thanks Bill!
On
the eleventh day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Eleven
brakes a glowing, ten pit crews leaping, nine engines roaring, eight
cookie-cutters, seven second places, six penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Sprint Cup silver
trophy!
On
the twelfth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Twelve
ads a-running, eleven brakes a-glowing, ten pit crews leaping, nine engines
roaring, Eight cookie-cutters, seven second places, six penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Sprint Cup silver
trophy!
And
there you have it gentle readers; the twelve days of a NASCAR Christmas. Please
let me take this opportunity to wish you and yours a Merry and Blessed
Christmas and a Happy and Prosperous New Year. For those of you not of the
Christian faith, I wish you the very best of the holidays you celebrate at this
festive year-end holiday time.
We
have to keep the tone of the article, so why not listen to another song or two
written a bit tongue in cheek, just like what we’ve already read and heard.
Here then, is the Front Porch Jam Band, doing their own version of “12 Days of a Redneck Christmas.” Please
enjoy.
One
more, which I’m sure Jim will think is maybe four too many… but he’ll do it
because he likes me… right Jim? This one takes a bit of a detour from the
others, but not far. It’s called “The
Twelve Pains of Christmas”, and is performed by Bob Rivers’ Comedy Corp.
Be well gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling. It looks
so good on you!
~
PattyKay
