The New Twelve Days of a NASCAR Christmas
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**Note:
Yes gentle readers, you might have seen this one before… sort of. When I hauled
it out for a dusting, I realized that it’s now vastly outdated, as the original
ending of every verse was “A Sprint Cup Silver Trophy.” In the rush to welcome
our new “Premier Series” sponsor, Monster Energy, that “hurry up and announce
it in Las Vegas before all the fans turn us off for the winter” deal left us
without so much as a logo, never mind what to call the new series or what the
end-of-the-year prize might look like. It’s really what one might call a Monster Mystery at the
moment. No matter really; this attempt at poetry started off as the superlative
of “bad” so there’s nowhere to go but ↑↑↑!
I
bid you welcome gentle readers, and feel perhaps I should apologize up front
for what follows… but I won’t. It’s almost Christmas and this is a takeoff on
an old and oft-sung Christmas carol, "The Twelve Days of
Christmas"... with a twist. These twelve days, and the accompanying twelve
gifts come not from "my true love", but from NASCAR, and yes,
Virginia, there is a difference.
Please
understand that though some consider me to be a fair-to-middling journalist and
scripter of pretty words, when it came to studying and learning about such
things as iambs, feet, metric anything, pentameters, and whatever came later, I
took the day off to go shopping. Poetry is not and never was my forte, and
Heaven knows, that coffee-house stuff that doesn't even rhyme is not poetry...
just words, usually unrelated. With those ground rules established, here then
is my Christmas poem for NASCAR fans...
The New 12 Days of a NASCAR
Christmas
On
the first day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
A
Monster Mystery!
On
the second day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Two
road courses… and a Monster
Mystery!
On
the third day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Three
short tracks, two road courses, and a Monster Mystery!
On
the fourth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses, and a Monster Mystery!
On
the fifth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Monster Mystery!
We pause now
for a word from our sponsor... well, not really, but I want all the NASCAR fans
reading this to feel right at home and not miss their commercials, so please
enjoy Jeff Foxworthy as he presents “The 12 Days of Redneck Christmas:”
And now back
to our regularly scheduled column, already in progress...
On
the sixth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Six
penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Monster Mystery!
On
the seventh day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Seven
second places, six penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Monster Mystery!
On
the eighth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Eight
cookie-cutters, seven second places, six penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Monster Mystery!
On
the ninth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me
Nine
engines roaring, eight cookie-cutters, seven second places, six penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Monster Mystery!
On
the tenth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Ten
pit crews leaping, nine engines roaring, eight cookie-cutters, seven second
places, six penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Monster Mystery!
We pause
once again for one final commercial break before the end of the song, just like
a real NASCAR race, when the TV fades to commercials with five laps to go. This
one comes from Bill Engvall and would you just look
at that! He's sent me a "Stupid sign" with a note that says,
"Merry Christmas Stupid." Aww... Thanks Bill!
On
the eleventh day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Eleven
brakes a glowing, ten pit crews leaping, nine engines roaring, eight
cookie-cutters, seven second places, six penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Monster Mystery!
On
the twelfth day of Christmas, NASCAR gave to me,
Twelve
ads a-running, eleven brakes a-glowing, ten pit crews leaping, nine engines
roaring, eight cookie-cutters, seven second places, six penalties…
Five
checkered flags…
Four
flat-mile races, three short tracks, two road courses and a Monster Mystery!
And
there you have it gentle readers; the twelve days of a NASCAR Christmas. Please
let me take this opportunity to wish you and yours a Merry and Blessed
Christmas and a Happy and Prosperous New Year. For those of you not of the
Christian faith, I wish you the very best of the holidays you celebrate at this
festive year-end holiday time.
Race
fans, I believe we’re going to like and enjoy our new sponsor. One thing is for
sure. They know how to market and advertise. Just look around. You will find
that logo almost anywhere, in some of the most surprising places. They are
indeed both fun and “edgy.” I like that. It reminds me of the gang from R.J.
Reynolds… those folks that hung with us for 32 years until the “government”
said they could no longer do so.
We
have to keep the tone of the article, so why not listen to another song or two
written a bit tongue in cheek, just like what we’ve already read and heard.
Here then, is the Front Porch Jam Band, doing their own version of “12 Days of a Redneck Christmas.” Please
enjoy.
One
more, which I’m sure Jim will think, is about four too many… but he’ll do it
because he likes me… right Jim? This one takes a bit of a detour from the
others, but not far. It’s called “The
Twelve Pains of Christmas”, and is performed by Bob Rivers’ Comedy Corp.
Be
well gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you!
~PattyKay
