The Lady in Black Visits the Land of Fruits and Nuts
I bid you welcome gentle readers, and of course a warm welcome to our assigned reader of all things NASCAR on this dark and gloomy day in the North Georgia hills. I do hope you’ll all bear with me and enjoy one of the very early editions of our raving reporter, the Lady in Black this week. It’s been “One of those weeks” and quite frankly, I just ran out of me. Had that not been the case, this would undoubtedly have been yet another slap at the NASCAR Hall of Friends for once more omitting the name of Smokey Yunick from nomination. Maybe next week.
I realize that some of you were still in diapers when this particular piece was new, so if you have a problem recognizing all the nicknames, you can find the actual race results right here. This piece first appeared on the pages of Insider Racing News on April 29, 2003.
day, race fans. This is your raving reporter, the Lady in Black, coming to you
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The festivities began with Park parked on the pole, and it was all downhill from there. When the Boogity flag waved, 42 cars moved forward but the pole sitter must have had it in reverse by mistake. He continued his wrong-way trip on a one-way street until reaching the car of Flyin' Ryan, which he rudely slapped into the wall. What followed was pure good fortune for the 41 cars that scattered to miss them both, and the beginning of a long, hot afternoon for the Alltel crew.
If I might make a suggestion to Stove Byrnes, never try to shove a microphone in the face of someone who's just been taken out on lap one and has a hammer in his hand! It could get ugly!
The race restarted on lap 5, with the pride of Dawsonville in the lead, and progressed all the way to lap seven, before the Zero Hero looped his car into the wall unassisted.
Jack's not quick,
But he's really good
At that spinning trick!
It was on that same caution we bade a fond farewell to Derrike Hopeless, who had performed his duty as a field-filler and asked to be excused for the afternoon.
sooner had the boys put the hammer down once more, than Tony Boy-ar-dee took the lead from the awesome one and streaked away
At this point, the race began to bog down a bit, as no one was hitting anyone. On lap 73, Havoc stopped by the pits. It must have been for a potty break, since he still had plenty of fuel. Back on the track, we were watching Mickey Mouse's car with the star charging hard toward the front, having passed everything on the track but that orange car.
At lap 88, the Rainman ran out of Union 76 and gave a wakeup call to the field. On the following lap, a round of green flag pits stops began, but not quite quickly enough for Crusty Wall-Ace and John Android, who both had to coast into their pit stalls. Crusty's car was so dry they had to push-start it. Where's that little push truck they use for the midgets, when you need it?
When the beer breaks were all done, it was still that pesky orange car leading the car with the star. At lap 114, Mickey Mouse did get to lead a lap but only for a moment. Two laps later, he moved to the high side and waved to Tony the Tiger on his way to the lead. Lap 125 saw Havoc again needing a potty break. Someone has to control that boy's fluid intake!
Just a couple of laps later we saw a plume of smoke from the orange car, and it headed straight for the Depot with a broken connector rod. Personally, I think it died of shame at being passed by that Texaco car. Boy-ar-dee gave an unusually cheerful interview though, telling us all about how great the car ran for half a race. (Tony, I think I need to 'splain something to you.)
The ensuing caution for spaghetti sauce on the track caught a few competitors a lap down, but saved the bacon for Flameboy, who was about to be lapped by Mickey Mouse. When the Miller ( They demanded equal time) break was over, it was Bushytail out in front of Mickey and Wild Biyull bringing up the rear, thanks to a loose lug nut.
Lap 156 saw the fifth caution of the day, for a Frenchman on the backstretch, which proved to be a lucky break for Wad's little brother Jeff, who just happened to have a flat left front Goodyear. One has to wonder if the two were related. On this break, some of the crew chiefs got creative, giving their drivers only the amount of refreshments they could drink while changing right side rubber. That shook up the running order for a while. The Miller Beerwagon was in first place, followed by Johnny Beenslow, Dave Blarney and the Boobie LaBonte.
The next segment of the race threatened to become a cure for insomnia, since the only thing to report is that Flyin' Ryan brought his crippled duck back onto the track, limped it around for a bit, then retired for the day. At lap 201, another round of green flag stops began, and we saw Boobie have to pit a second time for that painful condition known as loose nuts. It must have been contagious, since a couple of laps later, the Bud Stud had to pit a second time for the same affliction. I hope they find a cure for that before it becomes epidemic!
At lap 210, Ravin’ Craven put the Tide machine into the spin cycle, causing the Army of One to panic behind him and duplicate the trick. Neither spin received more than a 9.2, since the judges claimed they lacked originality. No sooner had they gotten back to racing, than Nay-do did it again. Was it live or was it Memorex?
Lap 229 produced the biggest show of the day, when Cussin' Dale Jarrett lost an argument with the wall, then found himself at the mercy of the 93 Octane Wonder, Jeremy Mayfail, who hit him at full speed. It's a good thing he didn't have a very fast car! When it was all over, we'd seen a nice pyrotechnic show from the back of the big brown truck, and the mess had involved Larry Fart, Indy Gordon, Beenslow, Cow Patty and Blarney.
On the restart, with little time left in the race, a few of the old pros gave a driving lesson to the kid in the car with the star. By lap 241, his left front Goodyear was rubbing the fender, courtesy of a tiny bit of contact with little Junior Johnson. Maybe it was poetic justice, but on lap 249, Junior smacked the wall. Unfortunately, he collected Munchkin Martin on the rebound, spoiling what might have been a good day for Viagra.
Up front, it was Bushytail finishing with a very convincing lead. Behind him, it was a drag race between Crusty and Boobie for who would be the first loser, with the edge going to Boobie. Behind them were Awesome Biyull, Mickey Mouse, the Budwagon and DW's baby brother.
It was a good race for a two-mile track and a great way to spend a sunny Sunday afternoon. I just wish they'd operate on real time on that left coast. I could have sworn I'd missed supper by the time the race was over, and they insisted that I still had a couple of hours to go.
exactly the way it was in
Be well gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you!