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The Lady In Black Pokes Fun At Pocono
06/09/2015 |
I bid you welcome gentle
readers, to another adventure with our favorite reporter, the Lady in Black.
This time, she tells us all about the 2003 summer race at… Pocono, of course.
This one is one of my favorites, not so much because of the race… I love all
the races at Pocono… but because it tells of the first time I heard a young singer
intone our National Anthem, whom I have never forgotten.
For those not familiar with this series or those whose memories don’t stretch back to 2003, the actual names and formal but boring race stats can be found by clicking right about here. No tale is boring when told by our Lady in Black, so I’ll just step out of the way… or the line of fire… and let her take over.
Good
day race fans. This is your raving reporter, the Lady in Black, coming to you
from somewhere in the beautiful Pocono Mountains of Racemania. The boys from Winston
Cup were in town (Long Pond) on Sunday, so of course
the start of the race was moved up due to impending rain. Imagine that! Did you
know that “Pocono” means “Pass between the mountains”? How appropriate!
Before
the on-track festivities began, we were treated to an offering of the National
Anthem by Lt. Kevin Pierce of the Racemania State Police. I was so moved by the
crystal quality of this man’s voice that I plan to start a petition asking that
he be made the “Official Anthem Singer of NASCAR.” He was certainly head and shoulders above 90%
of what we are offered on a weekly basis. Thank you, Lieutenant Pierce. You
made this old lady’s day a lot brighter.
I have one more thing to say before we get on with the shenanigans in the race. All weekend long, I had heard about nothing but Rickety Rudd’s streaking and I have to admit that I was getting worried. However, I’m happy to report that not once, before, during or after the race, did we see the lad nekkid. I guess it was all a vicious rumor.
The green flag waved over the sophomore class of Flyin’ Ryan and Jeffy’s mini-me, followed by Idiot Sadler and the Bounty Hunter, with Flyin’ Ryan taking the lead over Idiot as Jeffy’s mini-me dropped back into the pack. At lap 6, we thought that we’d said good-bye to Little Fart when he left the track with what appeared to be a blown engine, but it proved only to be a loose plug wire. However, it did take his pit bulls 10 laps to fix it. AJ, what was that you were saying about Crapsman tools?
For the first 32 laps, it was a Penske party up front with the only real action happening well behind those blue Dodges, and there wasn’t a lot of it at that. At lap 33, the leader hastily decided that perhaps he was about to part with a Goodyear and hit pit road from somewhere just shy of the start/finish line. It wasn’t really time for a beer break quite yet, but all the monkeys followed the first one and it was Miller Time. All refreshments were served by about lap 38 and the New Man came away with over a 4-second lead, which continued to grow.
At lap 45, Jeff the Greenhorn received the black rag for blowing Pennzoil all over the track. Pennzoil pleaded innocent, and we later found out that it was only transmission fluid, but by lap 50, it was good enough for the first yellow of the day and another round of beer and pretzels. As the yellow came out, Flyin’ Ryan allowed Johnny Beenslow, the Hermanator and the Rain Man to get back on the lead lap. From now on, maybe I should call him the “New Gentle Man.” During the Bud break, there were several who decided that two shoes and a cold one were quite enough refreshments at the moment, and scrambled up the running order a bit. At the restart, we saw the Blue Deuce out in front, followed by Buschytail, Bounty Hunter and Jiminy McCricket.
At lap 57, the Good Shepherd took Jesus to the garage for the day. (I lost that lottery. I predicted he wouldn’t go more than 12 laps.) Remember, Brett Bodiddley had to go home so that car could race. Shortly after that, the Greenhorn re-entered the fray with a new transmission and a 21-lap deficit.
The third Bud break of the afternoon, at lap 68, was provided by Germy Mayfield’s meeting with the wall, courtesy of Rubby Gordon’s front fender. It appeared to be a case of two cars trying to occupy the same space, which never works. After the Coors was served, it was Casey Smear on the point, followed by Jiminy McCricket, the Blue Deuce, Flyin’ Ryan and Mutt Kenseth. Smear had pitted under green after a run-in with Joe Upchuck, and stayed out during the round of beers for the lead. On the restart, Dave Blarney missed a shift and backed into the Bud Stud, who summarily whacked him out of the way.
They got all the way to lap 74 before Munchkin Martin hit the wall and departed for the day. Who knew that I double dose of DEI’s wrecking crew was the antidote to Viagra and causes impotence? Of course, it also caused another Bud break. This one saw the Car with the Star head out back for a new tranny and the Friendly Ice Cream Wagon of Can’t Cope go to the garage in search of shade. Junior Jerkhardt, whose shenanigans had caused the whole thing, had to come in for replacement of his right side window. Seems that it popped out when he ever so gently tickled the Munchkin.
On the restart, Crusty and the Cit-go-Kart were quickly around Smear and two laps later it was Citgo to the point. Up ‘til that time, he’d only led 22 laps all year and ten of those were last week. Look out Jeff! Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a train. Lap 84 saw Jiminy McCricket return to the track along with our new Zero Hero, whom I never even missed. McCricket got a new tranny and I assume that maybe Android did as well. Those seemed to be giving up in epidemic proportions. Just as I’d had that thought, Cow Patty slowed and took an access road off turn 3 to head for the garage. His problem was that he couldn’t put the car in gear. At lap 98, Stewpot caught that Citgo wagon as if it were tied to a tree and passed for the lead.
About lap 105, another round of green flag beer breaks started and Cow Patty returned some 22 laps in arrears but with a new tranny. (It has to be catching) At lap 116, Ricochet Craven slowed on the track, but someone upstairs must have thought it would be fun to watch him suffer, because the yellow rag didn’t fly for two more laps when he finally stopped completely, still shy of pit road. There were a few who refused refreshments on this round, so we had some new faces at the front of the pack for a bit. The new leader was Black-haired Mikey, followed by his partner in crime (Ask Martin) the Bud Stud, Joe Upchuck and Wawd’s Kitty-cat car.
Before they ever got back to racing, Rickety Rudd pulled just off the track and parked. He was diagnosed with having a broken oil pump belt, which earned him a push to the garage. At about the same time, some idiot full of Budweiser sprinted from the infield, across the racetrack and into the woods. (Run Bambi Run) I assume there was a long line at the men’s room.
They finally restarted at lap 125, but went right back under the yellow rag when Jeffy Grody smacked the wall hard and knocked several colors out of his rainbow. There had been some fooling around in front of him and he slowed to give the kids playing room but Blarney didn’t slow down until he used that rainbow in place of brakes. Very few took advantage of that Bud break and they were back at it on lap 130. Very shortly after that we saw Wawd’s Kitty-cat start to sink (And they can’t swim) back through the field, and we watched that Car with the Star trying to race with the leaders, although he was several laps off the pace. While all that was going on, we were watching the Home Depot Demon coming through the field like a hot knife through butter. He passed the NAPA parts cart at lap 142 and set sail for that Budmobile out front, but sometimes things are just too good to be true. At lap 154, that rolling Hardware Store belched out enough smoke to cure an entire hog and Stewpot kissed his engine good-bye. For the rest, it was Miller time again, and some even came back for a second drink right before the green flag.
After that, they cruised in circles for about 10 laps, with the Penske kids back out front, the New Man first and the Blue Deuce right behind. At lap 167, Casey Smeared the wall after performing a lovely little pirouette and brought out yet another yellow and a chance for some of the kids to grab another cold one. At lap 177 we saw the Interstate Battery appear to lose a charge and slow on the track. Then at lap 182, the battery went dead along with the motor and the Bounty Hunter found the wall, courtesy of his own spewing oil. That would bring out the final caution of the afternoon and afford some of those who were still thirsty a chance for another drink.
They restarted on lap 188, with Flyin’ Ryan in the lead, followed by the Bud Stud, that Busch League kid, Terry Lobotomy and Black-haired Mikey. Three laps later, Mongo took a bite out of Greg Sniffles’ right front tire and sent him to the pits for a new one. By lap 194, Buschytail caught up to Flyin’ Ryan, but you know what they always say. “Catching him is one thing, but passing him is another.” That was the case on Sunday, and try as he might, Buschytail could not get around that extremely wide Dodge. At the checkers, it was all Alltel, followed by Sharpie, Budweiser, NAPA and some rooster crowing about breakfast cereal.
Flyin’ Ryan had just enough gas left to do doughnuts and give us a smoke show. That was the fourth win for Dodge this year. The strange part of that is that all four have been the New Man. Could it be that he’s not sharing everything with team mates or does he just have bigger cojones than the rest?
That’s exactly the way it was on Sunday, up in the Pocono Mountains. Would I lie to you?
~LIB
I have one more thing to say before we get on with the shenanigans in the race. All weekend long, I had heard about nothing but Rickety Rudd’s streaking and I have to admit that I was getting worried. However, I’m happy to report that not once, before, during or after the race, did we see the lad nekkid. I guess it was all a vicious rumor.
The green flag waved over the sophomore class of Flyin’ Ryan and Jeffy’s mini-me, followed by Idiot Sadler and the Bounty Hunter, with Flyin’ Ryan taking the lead over Idiot as Jeffy’s mini-me dropped back into the pack. At lap 6, we thought that we’d said good-bye to Little Fart when he left the track with what appeared to be a blown engine, but it proved only to be a loose plug wire. However, it did take his pit bulls 10 laps to fix it. AJ, what was that you were saying about Crapsman tools?
For the first 32 laps, it was a Penske party up front with the only real action happening well behind those blue Dodges, and there wasn’t a lot of it at that. At lap 33, the leader hastily decided that perhaps he was about to part with a Goodyear and hit pit road from somewhere just shy of the start/finish line. It wasn’t really time for a beer break quite yet, but all the monkeys followed the first one and it was Miller Time. All refreshments were served by about lap 38 and the New Man came away with over a 4-second lead, which continued to grow.
At lap 45, Jeff the Greenhorn received the black rag for blowing Pennzoil all over the track. Pennzoil pleaded innocent, and we later found out that it was only transmission fluid, but by lap 50, it was good enough for the first yellow of the day and another round of beer and pretzels. As the yellow came out, Flyin’ Ryan allowed Johnny Beenslow, the Hermanator and the Rain Man to get back on the lead lap. From now on, maybe I should call him the “New Gentle Man.” During the Bud break, there were several who decided that two shoes and a cold one were quite enough refreshments at the moment, and scrambled up the running order a bit. At the restart, we saw the Blue Deuce out in front, followed by Buschytail, Bounty Hunter and Jiminy McCricket.
At lap 57, the Good Shepherd took Jesus to the garage for the day. (I lost that lottery. I predicted he wouldn’t go more than 12 laps.) Remember, Brett Bodiddley had to go home so that car could race. Shortly after that, the Greenhorn re-entered the fray with a new transmission and a 21-lap deficit.
The third Bud break of the afternoon, at lap 68, was provided by Germy Mayfield’s meeting with the wall, courtesy of Rubby Gordon’s front fender. It appeared to be a case of two cars trying to occupy the same space, which never works. After the Coors was served, it was Casey Smear on the point, followed by Jiminy McCricket, the Blue Deuce, Flyin’ Ryan and Mutt Kenseth. Smear had pitted under green after a run-in with Joe Upchuck, and stayed out during the round of beers for the lead. On the restart, Dave Blarney missed a shift and backed into the Bud Stud, who summarily whacked him out of the way.
They got all the way to lap 74 before Munchkin Martin hit the wall and departed for the day. Who knew that I double dose of DEI’s wrecking crew was the antidote to Viagra and causes impotence? Of course, it also caused another Bud break. This one saw the Car with the Star head out back for a new tranny and the Friendly Ice Cream Wagon of Can’t Cope go to the garage in search of shade. Junior Jerkhardt, whose shenanigans had caused the whole thing, had to come in for replacement of his right side window. Seems that it popped out when he ever so gently tickled the Munchkin.
On the restart, Crusty and the Cit-go-Kart were quickly around Smear and two laps later it was Citgo to the point. Up ‘til that time, he’d only led 22 laps all year and ten of those were last week. Look out Jeff! Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a train. Lap 84 saw Jiminy McCricket return to the track along with our new Zero Hero, whom I never even missed. McCricket got a new tranny and I assume that maybe Android did as well. Those seemed to be giving up in epidemic proportions. Just as I’d had that thought, Cow Patty slowed and took an access road off turn 3 to head for the garage. His problem was that he couldn’t put the car in gear. At lap 98, Stewpot caught that Citgo wagon as if it were tied to a tree and passed for the lead.
About lap 105, another round of green flag beer breaks started and Cow Patty returned some 22 laps in arrears but with a new tranny. (It has to be catching) At lap 116, Ricochet Craven slowed on the track, but someone upstairs must have thought it would be fun to watch him suffer, because the yellow rag didn’t fly for two more laps when he finally stopped completely, still shy of pit road. There were a few who refused refreshments on this round, so we had some new faces at the front of the pack for a bit. The new leader was Black-haired Mikey, followed by his partner in crime (Ask Martin) the Bud Stud, Joe Upchuck and Wawd’s Kitty-cat car.
Before they ever got back to racing, Rickety Rudd pulled just off the track and parked. He was diagnosed with having a broken oil pump belt, which earned him a push to the garage. At about the same time, some idiot full of Budweiser sprinted from the infield, across the racetrack and into the woods. (Run Bambi Run) I assume there was a long line at the men’s room.
They finally restarted at lap 125, but went right back under the yellow rag when Jeffy Grody smacked the wall hard and knocked several colors out of his rainbow. There had been some fooling around in front of him and he slowed to give the kids playing room but Blarney didn’t slow down until he used that rainbow in place of brakes. Very few took advantage of that Bud break and they were back at it on lap 130. Very shortly after that we saw Wawd’s Kitty-cat start to sink (And they can’t swim) back through the field, and we watched that Car with the Star trying to race with the leaders, although he was several laps off the pace. While all that was going on, we were watching the Home Depot Demon coming through the field like a hot knife through butter. He passed the NAPA parts cart at lap 142 and set sail for that Budmobile out front, but sometimes things are just too good to be true. At lap 154, that rolling Hardware Store belched out enough smoke to cure an entire hog and Stewpot kissed his engine good-bye. For the rest, it was Miller time again, and some even came back for a second drink right before the green flag.
After that, they cruised in circles for about 10 laps, with the Penske kids back out front, the New Man first and the Blue Deuce right behind. At lap 167, Casey Smeared the wall after performing a lovely little pirouette and brought out yet another yellow and a chance for some of the kids to grab another cold one. At lap 177 we saw the Interstate Battery appear to lose a charge and slow on the track. Then at lap 182, the battery went dead along with the motor and the Bounty Hunter found the wall, courtesy of his own spewing oil. That would bring out the final caution of the afternoon and afford some of those who were still thirsty a chance for another drink.
They restarted on lap 188, with Flyin’ Ryan in the lead, followed by the Bud Stud, that Busch League kid, Terry Lobotomy and Black-haired Mikey. Three laps later, Mongo took a bite out of Greg Sniffles’ right front tire and sent him to the pits for a new one. By lap 194, Buschytail caught up to Flyin’ Ryan, but you know what they always say. “Catching him is one thing, but passing him is another.” That was the case on Sunday, and try as he might, Buschytail could not get around that extremely wide Dodge. At the checkers, it was all Alltel, followed by Sharpie, Budweiser, NAPA and some rooster crowing about breakfast cereal.
Flyin’ Ryan had just enough gas left to do doughnuts and give us a smoke show. That was the fourth win for Dodge this year. The strange part of that is that all four have been the New Man. Could it be that he’s not sharing everything with team mates or does he just have bigger cojones than the rest?
That’s exactly the way it was on Sunday, up in the Pocono Mountains. Would I lie to you?
~LIB
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Last time out, we heard songs about horses and one bad bull, so this time, let’s hear some about other animals, some quite regal and some rather lowly, but all were loved, if only by the singer. Oh yes, Classic Country had its pets, and here are but a few of the many. First up, we have that ultimate storyteller, Burl Ives, with one of his big hits, “Froggie Went A’Courtin’” |
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Then there’s this one, from Hoyt Axton. It’s called “Della and the Dealer”, but prominently features a dog named Jake and a cat named Kalamazoo. Please enjoy: |
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Next
up let’s listen to one by another great storyteller, Tom T. Hall. This is one
of his hundreds of songs for children. It’s called “The Duck and the Rooster”
and it’s guaranteed to turn up the corners of your mouth. How can anyone not
smile at “Quacky-doodle-do?”
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This is one I’ve laughed along with for more years than most of you have been alive. It’s two good ol’ boys, Red Foley and Ernest Tubb doing “The Chicken Song.” Tap your toes and crack your smiles! |
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I’ll
leave you laughing with one from the Master of Sad Songs, Red Sovine, and a
song that’s anything but sad. This is “The Intoxicated Rat” and it will
intoxicate you with humor and mirth.
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Be well gentle readers,
and remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you!
~
PattyKay
