The Lady in Black is Back
I bid you welcome, gentle readers. I’m the new kid on the block. For those of you not familiar with me, my name is Patty Kay, I live in the Northern part of the great State of Georgia, I’m someone’s grandmother and I’ve been a NASCAR fan longer than many of you have been alive. If you continue to read my ramblings, you’ll find that sometimes I’m gentle, sometimes I’m funny and sometimes I am deadly serious. Mostly, I’m a NASCAR fan with strong opinions, and never afraid to share them.
Having said all that, today’s column has little to do with me, but a lot to do with a fictional character called “The Lady in Black.” The Lady first emerged in a Fantasy racing group whose main purpose is story telling. She purports to be a race reporter who travels to all or most of the tracks, then reports what she sees in her own inimitable fashion. If you don’t like her, please hold your fire. I have little or no control over what she says or does. If she fails to insult your driver today, keep reading and I promise you, she will.
Remember gentle readers, it’s all in fun, and intended to be funny. Now, without further ado, I give you: The Lady in Black
A Day in the Desert
Good day race fans! This is your raving reporter, the £ady in ßlack, coming to you from the rain-soaked desert near Lost Wages. Guess y'all know they had a little race or two out here this weekend, and I'm here to tell you the way it really was in the Winston Cup race.
Sunday dawned bright and clear, if a bit frigid, after downpours wreaked havoc on the Busch Leaguers both Friday and Saturday. The race got underway at some obscenely late hour that they kept telling me was , but my stomach knew it was way past lunchtime. For some reason, I was the only one at my hotel eating a burger for what they insisted was breakfast.
At the drop of the green, Flameboy went right to the front and stayed there for what seemed like endless boring laps as cars behind him sliced and diced for position. Best viewing during that stretch was Lance Armstrong convincing Stewpot that shaving his legs would make him faster. Whatever works, I guess!
At lap 48, the not so New Man thought he'd warped a Goodyear and had to pit early, losing two laps in the bargain, and at lap 50, Dale the Lesser extinguished the Flames to take the lead while the Viagra wagon came to pit road for another pill. Some of the cars that were walking instead of running began to trickle in for assistance and by lap 56 the leaders decided it was time to get new shoes and a drink. For over forty more laps the boredom continued, with the kids from DEI swapping the lead for fun and the TV cameras forsaking the racetrack to visit the Hollywood Hotel.
As always, there was someone willing to disturb my nap, and at lap 100, Larry Fart bounced his Yugo (I think that's what AJ's running this year) off the wall and into Craven's Tide machine, putting it in the spin cycle and pretty well messing up both those pretty cars. At lap 116, the boys had just gotten back to racing after a nice relaxing 15 seconds on pit road, when Kevin Havoc tenderly rammed the rear end of the Sharpie Taurtoise driven by the Busch League kid. Meanwhile, at the other end of the track, Mock Martin's day ended when the Viagra wore off and it died. (I’m referring to the car, of course!)
The gang had just gotten nicely through that rest period when the M&M's car melted down in Sadler's hands at lap 125 and wound up in the garbage. On second thought, maybe it was the garage. (The New Man got a lap back at this rest stop.) A few decided they really didn't need another cold drink and stayed out on this caution, but they'd soon get their chance anyway. Lap 134 saw Steve Parked give a gentle little nudge to the Big Brown Truck, which in turn barely touched the wall just hard enough to put NASCAR's champion cusser behind the wall for the duration. A surprisingly agile Jarrett jogged down the track to deliver a friendly hand gesture to Parked, telling him he was #1. Not sure if he was referring to his car number, his personality or his I.Q. About the same time all this fun was going on, Stewpot climbed all over the back of the Greenhorn in the #30, sending the poor fellow to the pits for right rear damage (Ouch!), and showing some telltale smoke from his own left front tire.
They calmed down for a while, until on lap 166 little Fred McMurray tried to pass the man who never forgets. Ol' Jimmy growled at the lad and scared him so bad he spun out without being touched, and lost a lap trying to get going in the right direction. About this same time, we notice smoke from the #37 driven by Can't Cope, but it didn't seem to be bothering anything. He kept right on driving at his usual snail's pace.
miss having a "big one" at Daytona this year? Well, never fear.
After that, things pretty much calmed down and droned on. Another round of green flag pit stops started when Dale the Lesser came in at lap 226, and at 227 it was monkey see, monkey do, as the rest of the leaders though a cold Bud sounded just fine to them too. That would have been the whole story, as everyone settled in behind leader Matt Kantsteer and pretty much wondered who'd be second, but the last lap turned out to be a doozy! Oh, Matt won it all right, but back around 8th and 9th place, Sterling Silver gave an uncharacteristic whack to little Junior Johnson, which turned the lad around in the infield grass and settled 8th place for sure. Cool move of the race has to go to Mario's nephew in the #43, who managed to miss the spinning Johnson by a cat's whisker. The last we saw of Johnson, he had smoke coming from both ears and daggers flying from both eyes. Said he was fixin' to tarnish him some silver.
Well, that's how it was in Vegas race fans, exactly as I saw it. Would I lie to you?
Well folks, there she is! You have to admit, she gives a different perspective to racing and I hope you enjoyed her. Darn, I almost forgot to add some great Classic Country Music, but I remembered in time. Today we’ll be dipping once again in the well where the Old American Barn Dance now resides. Please enjoy:
Be well gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you!