The Lady in Black is Back
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For the fans of the Lady in
Black… this was my introduction to her in the spring of 2003 and to myself as
well, as we moved from Maclouridees Racing to the
pages of Insider Racing News. I took the wraps off that raving reporter and
turned her loose on an unexpecting public. Immediately, some loved her, and
others hated her… and that has never changed. If you fall into the latter
category, just move along. Nothing for you to see here…
Author’s note*
I bid you welcome, gentle
readers. I’m the new kid on the block. For those of you not familiar with me,
my name is Patty Kay, I live in the Northern part of the great State of
Georgia, I’m someone’s grandmother and I’ve been a NASCAR fan longer than many
of you have been alive. If you continue to read my ramblings, you’ll find that
sometimes I’m gentle, sometimes I’m funny and sometimes I am deadly serious.
Mostly, I’m a NASCAR fan with strong opinions, and never afraid to share them.
Having said all that, today’s
column has little to do with me, but a lot to do with a fictional character
called “The Lady in Black.” The Lady
first emerged in a Fantasy racing group whose main purpose is story telling. She purports to be a race reporter who travels
to all or most of the tracks, then reports what she sees in her own inimitable
fashion. If you don’t like her, please hold your fire. I have little or no
control over what she says or does. If she fails to insult your driver today,
keep reading and I promise you, she will.
Remember gentle readers, it’s
all in fun, and intended to be funny. Now, without further ado, I give you: The
Lady in Black
A Day in the Desert
Good
day race fans! This is your raving reporter, the £ady in ßlack, coming to you
from the rain-soaked desert near Lost Wages. Guess y'all know they had a
little race or two out here this weekend, and I'm here to tell you the way it
really was in the Winston Cup race.
Sunday
dawned bright and clear, if a bit frigid, after downpours wreaked havoc on the
Busch Leaguers both Friday and Saturday. The race got underway at some
obscenely late hour that they kept telling me was
At the
drop of the green, Flameboy went right to the front and stayed there
for what seemed like endless boring laps as cars behind him sliced
and diced for position. Best viewing during that stretch was Lance Armstrong
convincing Stewpot that shaving his legs would make him faster. Whatever works,
I guess!
At lap
48, the not so New Man thought he'd warped a Goodyear and had to pit early,
losing two laps in the bargain, and at lap 50, Dale the Lesser
extinguished the Flames to take the lead while the Viagra wagon came to pit
road for another pill. Some of the cars that were walking instead of running
began to trickle in for assistance and by lap 56 the leaders decided it was
time to get new shoes and a drink. For over forty more laps the boredom
continued, with the kids from DEI swapping the lead for fun and the TV cameras
forsaking the racetrack to visit the Hollywood Hotel.
As
always, there was someone willing to disturb my nap, and at lap 100, Larry Fart
bounced his Yugo (I think that's what AJ's running this year) off the wall and
into Craven's Tide machine, putting it in the spin cycle and
pretty well messing up both those pretty cars. At lap 116, the boys had
just gotten back to racing after a nice relaxing 15 seconds on pit road,
when Kevin Havoc tenderly rammed the rear end of the Sharpie Taurtoise driven by the Busch League kid. Meanwhile, at the
other end of the track, Mock Martin's day ended when the Viagra wore off and it
died. (I’m referring to the car, of course!)
The
gang had just gotten nicely through that rest period when the M&M's car
melted down in Sadler's hands at lap 125 and wound up in the
garbage. On second thought, maybe it was the garage. (The New Man got a lap back at this rest
stop.) A few decided they really didn't need another cold drink and stayed out
on this caution, but they'd soon get their chance anyway. Lap 134 saw Steve
Parked give a gentle little nudge to the Big Brown Truck, which in turn barely
touched the wall just hard enough to put NASCAR's champion cusser
behind the wall for the duration. A surprisingly agile Jarrett jogged down the
track to deliver a friendly hand gesture to Parked, telling him he was #1. Not
sure if he was referring to his car number, his personality or his I.Q. About
the same time all this fun was going on, Stewpot climbed all over the back of
the Greenhorn in the #30, sending the poor fellow to the pits for right rear
damage (Ouch!), and showing some telltale smoke from his own left front tire.
They
calmed down for a while, until on lap 166 little Fred McMurray tried to pass
the man who never forgets. Ol' Jimmy growled at the lad and scared him so bad
he spun out without being touched, and lost a lap trying to get going in the
right direction. About this same time, we notice smoke from the #37 driven by
Can't Cope, but it didn't seem to be bothering anything. He kept right on
driving at his usual snail's pace.
Did you
miss having a "big one" at Daytona this year? Well, never fear.
After
that, things pretty much calmed down and droned on. Another round of green
flag pit stops started when Dale the Lesser came in at lap 226, and at 227 it
was monkey see, monkey do, as the rest of the leaders though a cold Bud sounded
just fine to them too. That would have been the whole story, as everyone
settled in behind leader Matt Kantsteer and pretty
much wondered who'd be second, but the last lap turned out to be a doozy!
Oh, Matt won it all right, but back around 8th and 9th place, Sterling
Silver gave an uncharacteristic whack to little Junior Johnson, which turned the
lad around in the infield grass and settled 8th place for sure. Cool move of
the race has to go to Mario's nephew in the #43, who managed to miss the
spinning Johnson by a cat's whisker. The last we saw of Johnson, he had smoke
coming from both ears and daggers flying from both eyes. Said he was fixin' to tarnish him some silver.
Well,
that's how it was in Vegas race fans, exactly as I saw it. Would I lie to you?
LIB
Well
folks, there she is! You have to admit, she gives a different perspective to
racing and I hope you enjoyed her. Darn, I almost forgot to add some great
Classic Country Music, but I remembered in time. Today we’ll be dipping once
again in the well where the Old American Barn Dance now resides. Please enjoy:
Be well gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling.
It looks so good on you!
~PattyKay 
