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In The Year 2525 ~ NASCAR’s New Rule Changes for All Three Top Series 03/28/2017 |
Yesterday,
I was over helping Grandpaw clean out his basement. For some reason, he had lots of pieces of
copper tubing, sheets of flat copper, and some items which I couldn’t identify. There were also quite a few gallon jugs as
well, but I didn’t ask why. There are
some things southern men don’t comment on or ask about. It seemed to be one of those times when it
would be prudent to keep my curiosity to myself.
In
the corner of his basement was a large lump, covered by an old army canvas
tarp. I asked Grandpaw if he needed to
take it out, and he just looked at me for a moment. “Come over here, boy, and let me show you
something.”
Grandpaw
yanked the tarp off, with a customary flourish, and said “Ta Da!”
“What
in tarnation is this thing, Grandpaw? Looks mighty fancy to be a whiskey
still.”
“Whiskey
still? Are you kidding, boy? Son, this here is a time machine!”
Suddenly
I could recognize Grandpaw’s true genius. “Let me in, I said. Let’s go, say 8, 10 years into the future.”
“Come
on in, boy. Let’s git
‘er up.”
I
blacked out after that. I couldn’t find
the reason, but suddenly I found documents in my hand.
“Rule
Changes for NASCAR’s Top Series 2025” What the heck, I’ll read them.” I
thought.
“Rule
1A1: All cars shall be powered by stored
batteries, or by solar power.
Rule
1A2: No drivers shall inhabit cars.
Drivers will be present only to represent cars, not to drive them. Any driver found inside a car shall be
banished from the sport. All cars shall be piloted by Google autonomous
technology, which makes having an actual driver redundant.
Rule
1A3: Stages shall be set at 10 laps per race. Such repairs as should occur
shall occur during this 20 minute caution, so that all team members may be able
to avail themselves of the bathroom facilities, as their sex or inclination
should dictate.
Rule
1A4: Fossil fuels shall not be allowed inside the race track at any time.
Rule
1A5: Maximum speed on the race track shall be 55 miles per hour. There shall be no exceptions
Rule
1A6: In the next year, slots shall be carved into all sanctioned tracks, so as
to insure that no cars may collide with each other. Safety is the name of the
game.
Rule
1A7: Facial hair shall not be worn at any time during racing events. This rule includes all crew members,
including ‘drivers,’ crew, and fans. No
exceptions shall be tolerated. The sanctioning body expects shiny, clean fans.
Rule
1A8: Members of the press shall say nothing derogatory of this sanctioning body
at any time, or the offending member shall be banished from the track, and all
tracks, pending further litigation, which may include penalties ranging from
one year solitary confinement up to life imprisonment. This sanctioning body
shall tolerate no ‘bad press’ from anyone at all.”
Grandpaw’s
machine packed a powerful punch. I woke
up in my own bed this morning, feeling like I had just ridden up San Juan Hill
with Grandpaw, as he claimed to have done with Teddy Roosevelt. Idly thinking that if that were true,
Grandpaw must be the oldest redneck still alive, I thought about what I had
seen in my dream. Or was it a
dream?
If
the sanctioning body wants to convert stock car racing into a glorified game of
slot cars, who’s going to stop them? Am
I now one of the few outlaw reporters who will tell the truth? Am I just living a bad dream?
You
tell me.
