Fly on the Wall ~ Speaking of Carl Edwards
I bid you welcome gentle readers, to another piece of light journalism designed to entertain you while we all endure the off-season together. Quite honestly, I’d forgotten all about this one until last week, as I was writing an article about the retirement from NASCAR of Carl Edwards. I guess I could gather together all 80 or more pages of new NASCAR rules for 2017 and write an article about that, but I want you to read my efforts and smile, not look on me as a cure for insomnia.
This little “gem” was written in March of 2010, but outside of a small private Yahoo Fantasy Racing group, has never seen the light of day. At the place where I used to ply my trade, it was refused for language. Go figure… on an entire Internet filled with nasty cussing trolls that use F-bombs like I use commas, this sweet little old lady has her thoughts rejected for using naughty words.
This was written in the persona of The Lady in Black because that was my team name in the Yahoo group where it appeared… the same group where LIB actually was writing back in 2001, before PattyKay ever wrote anywhere that more than 50 folks could read. Let me assure you, it’s all my own thoughts and words. In reality I left that old girl locked in the closet of my mind as I wrote it. I just used her name to keep me out of trouble.
Good day race fans. This is your raving reporter, the Lady in Black, coming to you today from a vacation spa in sunny southern Flori-duh… I wish. Actually, I'm stuck in North Georgia, where it looks like it's raining all over the world… so… why not discuss the topic that everyone has already beaten to death, but the flogging will continue until we get to Bristol and find someone new to complain about? I speak, of course, of the flying lesson that Prince Edwards of Roush gave to Bad Brad at Atlanta.
I've decided that I'd love to be a fly on the wall at an upcoming meeting between some very interesting folks… Jack Roush, Roger Penske, Carl Edwards, Brad Keselowski, Mike Helton, Robin Pemberton, five or six other NASCAR suits, somebody named France and probably God. (From all the press this has gotten, it must be a BIG one)
Early morning, at an undisclosed location near a Starbuck's in Charlotte…
HELTON: Alright gentlemen, this meeting will now come to order. The order of business today is to ensure the future camaraderie and friendship between Mr. Edwards and Mr. Keselowski.
KESELOWSKI: I ain't never gonna be friends with no killer! No sir! That man tried to kill me!
HELTON: Shut up Brad! Now, as I was saying,
EDWARDS: Thank you so very much Mr. Helton. I would never try to kill anyone. I'm just the sweet young cousin of Kenny Schrader.
HELTON: Shut up Carl! I need to get a couple of words in here… for the record, you know. It seems that on Sunday, Mr. Edwards might have intentionally struck the vehicle of Mr. Keselowski…
EDWARDS: But he hit me first Sir! He hit me last year and put my car into the catch fence, and he's hit me a bunch of times since then and…
HELTON: Shut up Carl! I'll rattle your cage when I want…
KESELOWSKI: But Mike, it was for the WIN! When it's for the win, anything goes, right?
HELTON: Not exactly. That might be what we told you, but in some cases we have to act shocked when crap happens. Now then, Robin [Pemberton] and I have decided that you two kids need a little time out, so we're sending you out to dinner together… at Burger King. Eat hardy and enjoy; the tab's on us!
EDWARDS: Excuse me Sir, but I have no desire to break bread with such a creature. He will no doubt pee in the soup…
HELTON: Shut up Carl! They don't even have soup at BK.
KESELOWSKI: BK? BK? Hey… that's me… and I ain't eatin' dinner with no killer, no matter how good the burgers are.
HELTON: For God's sake, SHUT UP Brad! You're here to listen to reason and…
PENSKE: Now just a minute here. Please don't yell at my young driver. He's had a harrowing experience at the hands of a maniac and he's not himself today.
ROUSH: Well, that could only be an improvement. Just who in hell does he think he is anyway? He's taken out all seven of my drivers in the past year…
PEMBERTON: SEVEN? Did you say seven Jack? I thought we'd cleared that hurdle and…
ROUSH: Oops! I didn't MEAN seven, I meant four. Yep, four… I recounted real quick and that's what I've got, four drivers.
PENSKE: Oh, don't let the hat fool ya gentlemen. He's got his finger in every car on the track with a blue oval decal on the hood. His little empire includes every dang Ford there is, and sometimes I suspect that includes the ones in the parking lot.
ROUSH: Shut up Roger! If I want any crap outa you, I'll knock it outa ya.
PENSKE: Oh yeah Jack? You and whose army?
ROUSH: Hey, I might be old, but so are you...and I'm better lookin'… I think. I'll have to take the hat off and check later.
PENSKE: Better looking? You're no better looking than some of those jackasses that drive your cars… all fourteen of 'em!
HELTON: Gentlemen, please… can we get on with this meeting in a civil way?
PEMBERTON: Shut up Mike! I’m interested in hearing what's going on in the Ford camp.
HELTON: Who you tellin' to shut up Robin? You can't tell me to shut up!
PEMBERTON: The hell I can't fat man. Now, zip your lips, if you have lips under that skunk on your face.
KESELOWSKI: I thought we came here to talk about me. All I'm interested in doing is talking about me.
HELTON, PEMBERTON, ROUSH, and PENSKE: Shut up Brad! We're having some serious discussion here.
MIKEY WALTRIP: Yeah, shut up you two. Have a little respect for those that made you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Oh, and speaking of dreams, the old Aaron's Dream Machine is for rent with option to buy…
HELTON: Mikey, what the hell are YOU doing here?
WALTRIP: But Mike, I thought I was invited. Anytime someone wants someone from NASCAR to talk, they call me, 'cause I can talk the bark off a stump.
PEMBERTON: Good Mikey, now go do that… talk to a stump.
WALTRIP: Well, if that's the way you feel, I'll just leave. C'mon Rooty, Martin, we're not wanted here. Guess one of you will have to go out and give someone a flying lesson… THEN we'll be wanted.
HELTON: Now, where were we? Oh yes, Carl and Brad are going to Burger King and iron out their differences over a Whopper.
PEMBERTON: I don't think that's where we were Fatso; we were discussing the number of teams allowed…
ROUSH: The hell we were. That's just some stupid lie cooked up by the Captain to shed suspicion on me and my…
PENSKE: Liar, liar pants on fire! Jack lies like a rug on the floor. I am NOT spreading rumors or…
HELTON: Robin, who you callin' "Fatso?" You don't look in mirrors 'cause they don't make 'em big enough to show all of your ass.
ROUSH: Bring it Roger! I'm ready and waiting. I might be small, but I'm wiry.
PENSKE: Okay Jack, here's a knuckle sandwich to hold you over 'til lunch…
HELTON: That's it Robin! I'm takin' out your fat chops, once and…
PEMBERTON: C'mon, bring it Mike. I got your fat chops, right in my sights.
FRANCE: Uh… what's going on men? I think I dozed off for a minute. Did I miss anything important? Mike, did you know your nose is bleeding? Jack, first time I've seen you without a hat. Your head is pointy.
EDWARDS: Psst… Hey Brad… Wanna slip out and catch some java at Starbucks? This is getting ugly.
KESELOWSKI: Nah Carl, I've got a better idea. All this arguing gave me an appetite. Let's hit Denny's for one of those triple breakfast things. It's on me.
EDWARDS: Okay, great Brad… but let's not tell "them", shall we? Wouldn't want it getting around that we're friends or anything.
And that folks, is what you might see and hear if you're lucky enough to be a fly on the wall.
Banjo and fiddle… probably the best known combination of instruments in Blue Grass Music. Add a guitar and you have Classic Country Music. Probably no one man personifies Classic Country better than the late, great Hank Williams. This is one Hank did fairly early in his short career, and one he didn’t write. That credit goes to Fred Rose and maybe a couple of other folks as well, though why it would take 3 people to come up with this, I can’t imagine. It just fits the title and light mood of this article so well… and I once had it on a 33 rpm LP. Here is Hank with “Fly Trouble.”
Next I’ve chosen a very old and often recorded number that’s more of a recitation than a song, and was offered by names such as Hank again, Carson Robison, Doc Watson and Walter Brennan. I’ve chosen what I believe is the original, by Carson Robison. I can’t verify right now, but I “think” Carson wrote it. Only those that have been around a minute or two will remember “Life Gets Teejus, Don’t It”
Our final Classic this week remains in the light and “airy” vein that I hope you’ve enjoyed today. This little number was written and originally performed by Billy Edd Wheeler, but my recording, and my favorite is offered here by Bobby Bare. Here then is Bobby, singing “Ode to that Little Brown Shack out Back.” I hope everyone reading has gotten a giggle or at least a smile at what you’ve read and listened to today.
Be well gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you!