D-Day Demolition Derby at Dover
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I bid you welcome
gentle readers. What follows is a riotously funny recap of the 2004 June race
at Dover. For those not familiar with the Lady in Black or her “loving”
nicknames for most of NASCAR’s best, you can find the actual rundown of the
race by clicking right about here. A couple of things
I’d like you to note… 43 cars started this race, and another 8 were sent home
to try another day. We didn’t lack for cars in 2004. Only 39 cars are entered
at Dover this year. What changed that? Near the end of
her diatribe, the Lady sends a personal note to Competition Director, John
Darby, discussing the “unavoidable” mess created by placing the leaders behind
a pack of cars and yet another pack consisting of all those laps in arrears.
This is exactly the situation for which the “Wave-around” was intended, though
it’s abused and misused far too often today. The logic is simple. The “leader”
should always be the leader. |
One other short
note and I’ll turn you over to the Lady in Black. I believe this is the race
that gave us a very short but memorable conversation between Steve Byrnes and
Ken Schrader. As you’ll see, Schrader was in the garage, along with a lot of
company on that day. When Steve came in, mic in hand, he asked Kenny, who was
standing outside the car, if he would be going back out on track. Kenny, with
that half-amused, half-terrified look that I’m sure is patented immediately
replied, “I’m afraid so!”
Good day race fans. This is your raving reporter, the
Lady in Black, happy to be back on the job and coming to you from the soggy
mess known as Dover International Speedway, aka the Monster Mile. It’s also
referred to as “DIS” and perhaps that is no accident, because this track will
DIS you in a hurry if you make a mistake. On Sunday, the kids from Nextbest Cup
held race number “Lucky 13” in the Chase for No Sponsorship. Most of the
weekend was spent dodging rain showers that shortened or eliminated much of the
program. The Craftsman Truck Series raced on Friday afternoon after track
drying was completed, much to the delight of a youngster named Chapped ‘n
Chaffin who brought home his first series victory.
The gang from the Busch Series had no such luck, managing
to drive only 28 laps before the rains came again, and 3 attempts to dry the
track only ended in more rain and frustration. Since there wasn’t time for Musco to install lights before dark, the race was postponed
until Monday morning. Rain also cancelled
early practice for the big Dawgs and shortened Happy Hour as well. Sunday, the
appointed day for the major battle, dawned grey and threatening, but it never
did rain on the parade, though I’ll bet a lot of folks wish that it had.
The theme of the day was the commemoration of the 60th
anniversary of D-Day, June 6, 1944; the day U.S. troops stormed the beaches at
Normandy and turned the tide of World War II in our favor. There was of course,
much display of patriotic symbols, as is always the case at Dover, and the
crowd was treated to a visit by several surviving veterans of one of the most
costly battles in history in terms of lives lost. Many NASCAR-related veterans
of D-Day were saluted during pre-race festivities, but for some reason
(oversight would be my guess) it was never mentioned until the race was more
than half over that NASCAR’s own Walter (Bud) Moore was on those beaches
that day and returned highly decorated for his efforts. Thanks Bud!
The Star Spangled Banner was placed in the hands and
vocal chords of American Idol winner, Clay Aiken, who delivered a very
respectful and somber rendition (though extremely slow-paced) until he neared
the ending. Then the need for expression apparently took over and the tune went
out the proverbial window, giving way to vocal slides and trills. You almost got it right Clay ~ almost.
Out on the track, it was Jeremy Maybe Fast on the pole
with Friday Ryan on the outside. When the Boogity flag (Only four more times
folks) waved, it was Maybe Fast out to the early lead as the folks behind all
searched for a place at the bottom of the track. One brave warrior, Rubby Gordon, went not only two wide, but three wide on the
outside, moving him from 24th on the start, to 17th on
the first lap, but alas, his car appeared to be looser than a goose and he
quickly fell back to where he’d begun.
Stand-in Barrett recorded only two laps around the
concrete before retiring to the lounge for the afternoon, but he wasn’t alone
for long, as The Good Shepherd and Jesus soon joined him there.
The kids got all the way to lap 12 before Casey Smeared
his Target all over the inside wall after a spin worth a score of only 8.75.
According to Casey, teammate Jamie McCutey pinched
him down and caused all that, but I couldn’t help but notice that the rear deck
lid of the car directly behind him bore the word, “Sharpie.”
Some of the boys in the back room took the opportunity
to hit the bar for a cold Bud and some adjustments, and right before the green
flag, Mutt Kenseth wheeled in for a quickie and help from a pit bull in getting
a torn tear-off from his windshield. The
One LAP UP (One Lucky Arse PUP) was awarded to Kirk Fillerdine. Nope, I have no clue how someone is a lap down
in only 12 laps on a mile track. NASCAR has this minimum speed rule ya know.
At the restart on lap 18, the pylon showed Maybe Fast
leading Brian Snickers, Flyin’ Ryan, the Blue Deuce
and Stewpot. Within a lap, Snickers had taken the lead, but at lap 26, Maybe
Fast reclaimed it. Meanwhile, out back, there was contact between Greg Baffled
and Texas Terry but no one seemed the worse for the wear.
On Lap 30, NASCAR delivered a promised Competition
Caution because the kids hadn’t had much practice and that would give them a
chance to check their Goodyears and catch a cold one. Under the caution flag,
Texas Terry gave Baffled a shot in the rear bumper, obviously thanking him for
the “bump-draft” earlier. The One LAP UP went to Kirk Fillerdine
again. Well, it was another twelve laps, but still, there’s this minimum speed
fantasy we keep hearing about.
All of the gang up front took advantage of the Bud
break, but seven of the boys in the back room stayed out, since they’d had a
beer at lap 12 and that changed the running order just a bit. Up front were
Jeff Bootin’ (Lord, that must have felt good), Kevin
Havoc and Long Tall Mikey along with others, but they barely had a chance to
get rolling when it hit the fan again out back. It was the Busch Leaguer
hitting the Candy Man and spinning M&Ms up into Long Gaughan. (Note to
Busch: Son, this is becoming a habit and you need to break it.) Everyone else
missed the wreck, but Jamie McCutey was heard on the
radio requesting a change of underwear.
There were only a couple of warriors that headed for the bar that time,
Greg Baffled and of course, McCutey. The Candy Cart
retired to the garage for five laps worth of repairs, but Gaughan remained on
the lead lap at that point. There was no One LAP UP on this bar stop, I guess
because Fillerdine hadn’t had the required twelve
laps yet.
They got back to circling at lap 45, (Are you noticing
the length of these cautions?) and the pylon showed Bootin’,
Havoc, Wall-Trip, Texas Terry, Captain Nemo, Stewpot, Mutt, Maybe Fast,
Snickers and Flyin’ Ryan. Then we actually got to see
some racing for a bit, with the 99 and 29 trying to beat each other for the
lead. At lap 49, Stewpot settled that battle, passing Havoc on the outside,
then turning square left and passing Bootin’ on the
inside, taking the lead and running away with it.
At lap 68, Long Gaughan was black flagged for a left
front tire rub and drove to the garage instead of the bar. He would return
around lap 98. Somewhere in this time frame, we said good-bye to Kevin Glue,
The Rain Man and Kirk Fillerdine, all of whom retired
to the lounge for the afternoon. Back up front, the Home Depot Demon was making
a mockery of the race, putting some usually impressive cars a lap down. Some of
those were teammate Bobby the Bounty Hunter, the Bud Stud and McCutey. When the Bounty Hunter pitted once and then pitted
a second time almost immediately, we sensed trouble and he headed to the garage
on lap 104 to have a broken rear end replaced. Ouch!
Lap 108 saw the fourth yellow flag wave, this time for
debris on the racetrack. (It was real; I saw it) After everyone caught a cold
Coors and some cooler tires, there were 17 cars left on the lead lap, including
the One LAP UP winner, Rickety Rudd. At the restart, it was Stewpot leading Flyin’ Ryan, Maybe Fast, Flameboy,
Hurrikahne, Busch Leaguer, Jeffy’s
Mini-me, Mutt, Havoc and the Blue Deuce.
At lap 119, it was Maybe Fast back in the lead once more
and three laps later the Bounty Hunter returned to the track with a new rear
end but 24 laps in arrears. (Note to Bobby: The old one was cute enough; you
really didn’t need a new one) On lap 145, it was Ken Shredder’s turn for bad
luck, as he made the trip to the garage so that his pit bulls could replace a
broken track bar. After that, we saw a spirited battle for the lead between
Stewpot, Flameboy and Maybe Fast with the lead going back to Stewpot shortly
before the Army of One would bring out caution flag #5 on lap 158. Captain Nemo
spun the Nautilus hard into the inside wall with what appeared to be a bit of
help from the Iceman. In fact, the NASCAR brass even contacted the #5 team,
advising them to calm their driver down. (Is there a calmer driver on the track
than Texas Terry?) Good Ol’ Joe absolved LaBonte from any blame, saying that he had slowed for some
reason and caused his own demise.
It was Miller Time for everyone then, and the One LAP UP
went to Greg Baffled. They commenced to circling again at lap 164, with Stewpot
still in the lead, followed by Mini-me, Flyin’ Ryan,
Maybe Fast, Busch Leaguer and the rest of the gang.
Caution #6 came at lap 222 when Jeffy
blew a right front Goodyear and extinguished the car with the flames on the
outside wall. Those walls, by the way, are not of the SAFER variety, though
they are promised here for the September race. Jeffy,
among others, dearly wished they had been in place on Sunday. The One LAP UP
went to Jeffy’s teammate, Brian Snickers, and after a
quick round of Smirnoff Ice Triple Black, the pylon read 20, 48, 9, 2, 12, 19,
6 and 99.
Almost immediately, (lap 233) the yellow rag was waving
again, this time for a spring rubber on the track that most likely was put
there when the Bud Stud hit the Silver Bullet on the restart. Caution seven’s
One LAP UP winner was Long Tall Mikey, making the lead lap count thirteen. Up
front, the running order had not changed. How could it, since there’d been
precious little running?
Things in Delaware settled down for a bit after that,
and the crowd watched Hurrikahne make repeated runs
at Stewpot without success. At lap 299, the Blue Deuce fell from the lead lap
with a flat right front Goodyear, which he somehow managed to keep off the
concrete wall. He would drop from seventh to two laps down. At lap 313, Mutt
Kenseth informed his chief Pit Bull that he was either pitting or blowing his
own right front, so to the bar he came, giving up his eighth place on the track
for a cold Bud. That must have looked like a swell idea to some of the other
combatants, as more began heading for the bar. Stewpot missed the swinging door
and had to go all the way around again to get into the bar, relinquishing his
lead.
At lap 320, it was Ryan, flyin’
around at the entrance to the bar, knocking down the cones, speeding through
the pits and running the stop sign exiting the bar, all in an attempt to miss
losing a lap on the caution he’d just created. As he circled under the caution
flag, the Sunoco in his rolling phone booth gave its last whimper and he was
pushed around the track by a very kindly Rickety Rudd. At the barroom door,
Long Gaughan took over the pushing process and Ryan finally made it to his pit;
well, actually he made it to Rusty’s pit and had to
be pushed to his own by the pit bulls.
While all this was going on, NASCAR was scratching their
collective heads or perhaps other body parts, trying to figure out who should
be where, when (or if) the green flag waved again. The One LAP UP they decided,
should go to Mark the Munchkin. Flyin’ Ryan was held
for one lap by officials in the pits, but Chief Pit Bull Matt Borland insisted
that they had been on a lap alone, so the one lap penalty would simply put them
back on the lead lap. He lost that argument and for sure, I’m not about to
comment on the ruling. There seemed to be plenty of infractions there to go
around.
With a wisdom known only to NASCAR, the field was reset
with the leaders buried deep in the middle of the pack, behind not only those
on the “tail end” of the lead lap, but all of the lapped cars on the inside
lane as well. As soon as the green waved on lap 346, the Mayhem began. Up near
the front of this ill-conceived grouping, it appeared that Long Tall Mikey got
into the wall, though with or without help I couldn’t tell. Beneath him, Dave
Blarney’s spotter told him he was clear, which proved not to be the truth. As
Blarney moved up the track, there was Mikey, and that, as they say, was all she
wrote. Bear in mind, it took 26 laps of yellow, run at a slow caution speed, to
arrive at this foreseeable disaster.
As Blarney and Mikey spun in front of the field, there
was a freeway at drive time chain reaction behind them. When all the smoke
cleared and the parts stopped flying, there were 18 cars involved in a
monumental wreck that rivaled any of the Big Ones seen on the restricted
tracks, with most of the leaders involved to some degree.
This was enough finally to bring out a red flag while
all the carcasses were carried off the racetrack. At this point, I see my notes
contain some profanities, which I will spare you. The fans came to see a race,
and all they have seen is a wreck-strewn riot to this point. After the
extensive cleanup efforts were completed, the yellow came back out and the
survivors began sorting themselves out. Most came back to the bar for
refreshments, but Hurrikahne stayed out and held onto
the lead. The One LAP UP went that time to Jeffy Bootin’.
They made it all the way to lap 373 the next time,
before the Blue Deuce hit the wall. The Deuce continued on, but parts of the
car littered the track, so back out came the yellow flag for caution #10. This
time, both Hurrikahne and Mark the Munchkin stayed
out as the rest came back to the bar for a quickie. The One LAP UP was awarded
to the Bud Stud.
They restarted on lap 380, and the car with the Target
blew up in a huge plume of smoke but this time no flag waved. That was saved
for the following lap when leader Hurrikahne got into
the oil slick left by the #41 and went straight into the outside wall. Behind
him, Mutt Kenseth, Rubby
Gordon, Brian Snickers and others met a similar fate. At lap 383, it was back
to red flag conditions for oil cleanup and removal of still more carcasses. On
the lead lap would be Munchkin, Stewpot, Bootin’, Bud
Stud and Scoot Riggs who received the One LAP UP.
The cars began circling under the yellow flag again at
lap 384, but someone somewhere finally grew a brain and kept that yellow out
until there were less than ten laps to go, thus ensuring a single file restart.
If not for that, we might still be there.
Shortly after the restart, Bud Stud passed Bootin’ for third place and went hunting for Stewpot, but
that didn’t happen. At the checkered flag it was Viagra way out in front (pun
intended) and the rest of the pylon read 20,8,99,10,15,5,19,22 and 29. Only
five of those were on the lead lap, but there were 19 cars out of the race at
the finish.
A very classy Mark the Munchkin drove his Ford directly
to Victory Lane without doughnuts or smoke shows and reveled in the Gatorade
showers that awaited him there. This, his fourth win at Dover, was his first
since the 600 in Charlotte in 2002, a 73-race drought. Proving he is not too
old for anything, Mark put himself up on the roof of the car, to the horror of
Chief Pit Bull Pat Tryson, who didn’t want the
measurement to be off in post-race inspection. Upon returning to solid ground,
the first person there to congratulate him was that demon from Home Depot, Tony
Stewart, who had finished second. All smiles, Tony confided that he was just
“Glad to get through this mess.” I think that feeling was shared by every
spectator and surely by every competitor. For the most part of a very long
afternoon, this wasn’t racin’, it was just wreckin’!
Of course, one must remember that this was the “Lucky” 13th race of the
season, and it was only three days after the full moon. Cue the theme from
“Twilight Zone.”
Before I leave you today, I must add that NASCAR Top
Cop, John Darby, commented that the circumstances that precipitated the big
wreck were “unavoidable.” Note to John:
Nonsense! Get out your pencil and make up a new rule, just as we see done on a
weekly basis. When there is a whole passel of cars starting in front of the
dang leader, make it a single file restart. Leave the lapped cars out of the
equation. Or, of course, you could just put those “tail-enders” on the real
tail end of the lead lap, at the end of the longest line. “Unavoidable” should
not be in your dictionary.
That’s exactly the way it was in Dover on Sunday. Would
I lie to you?
~LIB
Time now for our Classic Country Closeout, and we’re
continuing with the wonderful series of Grand Ole Opry shows from the 1950s.
Wonderful memories for the old folks like me and a peek into the past for the
young readers. This one is packed with fabulous talent, so please enjoy!
Be well gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling.
It looks so good on you!
~PattyKay