Bristol ~ From Snow Squalls to Snow Angels
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I bid
you welcome gentle readers, and our always cordial “Hey there” to our assigned
reader of all things NASCAR today. Alas, this has been one of those weeks that
we all wish we didn’t have, but too often do. The lack of “me” forces me to
offer you all a trip back with the irascible Lady in Black. What you’ll see
reported here is the spring race from Bristol in 2006, and if the names are
confusing or forgotten, you can find
the actual race here. This race report ran originally on the pages
of Insider Racing News on March 28, 2006.
Good
day race fans. This is your raving reporter, the Lady in Black, coming to you
today from |
When
the troops from Nextbest Cup assembled on Friday to earn their battle
assignments, a cold rain mixed with snow drove them back into their tents and
General Helton doled out assignments based on individual battle performances in
the War of 2005. On the following day, they did manage to get in some practice
drills before the next snow squalls arrived to cancel assignments for the
reserve troops in the Busch League.
Those
young stalwarts marched into their skirmish amidst weather conditions
reminiscent of
Sunday
morning didn’t bode much better for the elite troops as it snowed everywhere
but in the Roach Motel. It appeared that the battle might be waged with tanks
and jeeps equipped with snow chains and de-icers, but
eventually the snow passed and the sun even endeavored to peek out from time to
time. The festivities finally got under way when the folks in the stands were
treated to an offering of the Star Spangled Banner by the multi-award winning
group, Diamond Rio. Well done gentlemen; well done!
At this
point, I’m going to remind everyone reading that this was
When
the Boogity flag waved, it was Stewpot on the point flanked on the right by
Greg Blissful. Those two got out clean, but behind them the marching formation
was already crumbling as Jeffy’s Mini-me and Ready
Sorenson made slight contact, sending Mini-me up to the wall. He slowed
immediately with a cut right front Goodyear as the troops scattered behind him
in evasive actions. It took the poor lad four laps to get to the bar and the
attention of his pit bulls, as there were soldiers marching below him and
blocking his retreat. While we’re speaking of his pit bulls, this week saw the
return of chief pit bull, Cheat Knaus to the pits of Mini-me. While Knaus was
serving court-martial time, that job was more than capably performed by Lt.
Grubb, who was demoted for his efforts.
Out on
the battlefield, Blissful had wrested the lead from Stewpot on lap 6 and the
front of the marching order was content to remain in step until lap 14 when
Brent Who turned a perfect pirouette off the front fender of Kevin Lapped,
bringing out the first yellow flag of what would be 18 before the battle ended.
(Hey, it’s Bristol Baby!) Few chose to hit the bar that early in the day and
the One LAP UP (One Lucky Arsed PUP) was Mini-me.
When the marching resumed on lap 20, it was Blissful leading Stewpot, Mutt
Kenseth, Prince Edwards of Roush, Mark the Munchkin, Busch League Kid, Flyin’ Ryan and the Car with the Flames.
For a
bit, things went according to plan, so much so that I even have a notation
around lap 54 that says, “Calm for Bristol”, but that would change. The best
viewing in that segment was watching the Blue Deuce slice through traffic until
it was in second place. At lap 57, Blissful took the National Guard to the bar to
replace a cut Goodyear, grab a cold one and got a speeding penalty for his
trouble. Four laps later, it was the same song, different verse, for leader
Busch League as he too hit the bar with a cut tire. Maybe leading wasn’t the
thing to be doing about then.
Lap 73
brought us the second beer break of the day when Cow Patty spun in turn two
allowing everyone to catch a Bud and some new Goodyears. The One LAP UP that
time was awarded to David Stray, rookie driver of the Silver Bullet. They
resumed marching in circles on lap 78 with Stewpot leading Mutt, Flyin’ Ryan, Kevin Havoc and Prince Edwards, but within two
circles, it was Mutt out in front. On lap 83, it was a cut tire for Ken
Shredder, but alas, no one chose to pause the battle for his misfortune, so he
would resume the battle two laps out of step with the leaders.
At lap
93, it was yet another cut tire, this time for Chad Blunt in a car called Front
Row, though it’s never been there. By now, you’ll be sensing that there could
be a theme building with these tires. At lap 109, it was the same car turned Bluntly into the wall with an assist from Clint Bow Wow and
the yellow waved another time. The leaders chose to hold their battle
positions, but the soldiers from about the mid-point back decided that it was
Miller Time for them. The One LAP UP went to the Blue Deuce and when they
marched back into battle, it was Stewpot ahead of Mutt, Flameboy, Flyin’ Ryan and Havoc.
That
lasted all of three laps when we watched one of those drive-time on the freeway
chain reaction things. I confess, I have no clue who started it, but in some
order, it was the Army of One into Ready Sorenson who in turn got into the Bud
Stud who in turn booted Shrub. Behind all that, they were scattering like the
earlier snowflakes to avoid the spinning mess and Sir Jeffery of Childress
braked just a tad slower that Scoot Riggs, sending that unfortunate lad into
the inside wall and then to the lounge where he would spend a large part of his
afternoon. The One LAP UP that time went to Mikey the Mouth and they were back
at it on lap 124.
Once
again, a restart proved disastrous for Mini-me when he cut across the bow of
Mutt and wound up hard into the SAFER barrier a second time. Behind that… and
because of it, David Stray allowed his Silver Bullet to spin Sterling Silver’s
septic system. (Oh, the inhumanity of being spun by one’s old ride). All that
of course, brought the yellow back out immediately. The One LAP UP went to
Texas Terry.
Lap 132
saw Stewpot, Mutt and Flameboy still in the lead, but with Blissful setting
sail ahead of them, attempting to make up a lap the hard way… by earning it.
For a while, Stewpot and Mutt had some fun swapping the point while Mini-me was
having no fun as he made repeated trips to the bar, even picking up a penalty
at one point for his pit bulls jumping the wall too quickly. (Where’s Grubb
when you need him?)
Yellow
rag #6 waved on lap 160 when a
Eight
laps later, the pylon showed Shrub at the point followed by Sterling Silver,
Mutt, Flameboy and Stewpot, but once again, Blissful positioned the National
Guard ahead of the troops and stayed there. Around lap 184, there was a lot of
bumping and banging going on between Havoc and Flyin’
Ryan, who seemed to be having their own private little war. It only took a
couple laps of that to produce the
Those
repairs had to wait for about fifteen minutes, as the red flag of truce halted
the battle so that the janitors could sweep up the mess. The One LAP UP award
went to Texas Terry… again… and oh yes, Greg Blissful was back in step with the
leaders without benefit of any phony little award. (That’s the way it used to
be done, “Back in the Day”) I’m told that when the FOX networks cut away to the
umpteenth commercial break of the day, Chris My-arse
announced that they were taking the break, “With Kyle Busch as your winner.”
Note to
Chris: Pretend that it’s football; the
first team to kick a field goal is referred to as the “leader”, not “your
winner.”
When
the battle resumed on what was called lap 200, it was Mutt out ahead of
Flameboy and Stewpot, but they only got to turn seven circles before another
yellow rag was waving, this time for debris. (A piece of tape) The One LAP UP
went to Cow Patty, making it 29 soldiers on the lead lap.
Note to
whomever: Tape does not cut tires, nor is it a reason to wave a caution flag!
Okay,
we’re going to fast-forward a bit here, in the interest of keeping you reading
to the end.
·
Caution
#9 ~ Lap 218 ~ More debris ~ One LAP UP ~ Waffle
·
Caution
#10 ~ Lap 249 ~ Ready Sorenson spins Brent Who ~ One LAP UP ~
·
Caution
#11 ~ Lap 267 ~ Major mess involving about six cars and sending Jamie McCutey to the lounge for repairs ~ One LAP UP ~ Yay-Yay
Jelly
·
Caution
#12 ~ Lap 287 ~ Jeff the Greenhorn spins the Candy Man ~ One LAP UP ~ Dave
Blarney
On that
restart (Lap 294) it was Stewpot leading Busch League, Mutt, Havoc and
Flameboy, but it’s important to note here that Ken Shredder had been running
with the leaders through the entire battle, but to that point hadn’t been able
to pass them. Since he was two laps behind rather than one, he got no
consideration for the One LAP UP award that went multiple times to slow cars,
simply because they kept getting lapped. The Generals might want to review that
in light of the fact that it’s getting ridiculous to offer that thing two and
three times a day to the same cars. I’m happy to report here that by lap 309,
Shredder had passed both Busch League and Stewpot to make up one of his laps in
arrears.
·
Caution
#13 ~ Lap 338 ~ Brent Who spins into wall with assistance from Stewpot. The
Army of One spun behind that action and Texas Terry got involved as well. Too
bad, because that would have been his FOURTH One LAP UP of the day.
·
Caution
# 14 ~ Lap 348 ~ Another case of road rage as several spin including Jeremy Mayfail, Casey Miracle and Scoot Riggs. The major damage
was sustained by Waffle in the Tide Ride, but I swear, I didn’t see him
involved with the others. ~ One LAP UP ~ Clint Bow Wow
Let’s
cut back to the action for just a bit here, as Shrub ever so gently loosened
the rear decking from the Big Brown Truck. Dale Swear-it drove it around with
the fiberglass decking waving in the breeze for several laps before it broke
free and sailed over the chain-link fence to land at the feet of a startled fan
walking back to his seat from the boys’ room. (Trust me; at
·
Caution
#15 ~ Lap 408 ~ Kevin Lapped cuts a tire and stops on track. Most take a Bud
Break ~ One LAP UP ~ Denny Ramblin’
·
Caution
# 16 ~ Lap 415 ~ This is where the action began heating up when the Car with
the Flames rudely burned O.J., the “Other Junior”, shoving him out of the way
while several soldiers wrecked behind them in an effort to survive. Those
included Hurrikahne, Sir Jeffery of Childress, Rapid
Robby and Yay-Yay Jelly. The One LAP UP was not awarded, as it would have gone to
O.J., had he not been involved in the wreck causing the caution. (Like he
wanted to be) Now it gets “curiouser and curiouser” as
They
resumed the battle on lap 420 with Mutt, Busch League and Havoc leading the
troops. Fifteen laps later, there would be another break in the action when
O.J. once more came abreast of Flameboy. This time, I’ll defend the Car with
the Flames, as the young soldier was harassing the daylights out of him and
doing it with a Chevrolet. Stewpot came to the rescue of Flameboy and punted
the #1 hard into the inside wall bringing out the penultimate (50 cents for a
big word) caution of the day. The One LAP UP that time went to Scotch and Soda Wimmer.
I’d be
remiss if I didn’t add here that when O.J. brought his wrecked car back to his
chief pit bull, he got a well-deserved rookie scolding for messing with the
leaders while being lapped traffic. Unfortunately, someone with a microphone
was in the vicinity of what was obviously a very private conversation and chose
to air it for all
Lap 447
brought out the final beer break of the day when the Big Brown Truck shared
contact with
When
they went back to war at lap 452, the pylon showed Mutt leading Busch League,
Havoc, Flameboy and Stewpot. Three laps later, the Big Brown Truck spun all by
himself in an effort to avoid contact with Jeremy Mayfail.
Poor Swear-it was decidedly not having a great afternoon. Then, with about 20 laps
to go, the Bounty Hunter and Prince Edwards passed Stewpot and four laps later
Shrub and Flyin’ Ryan followed suit. Stewpot would
eventually finish 12th after having led the majority of laps in the
battle. I guess some days are like that.
With 10
laps to go, Busch League managed to close what had been a large gap between him
and leader Mutt as Mutt tried unsuccessfully, lap after lap, to get around a
very wide Brown Truck. Apparently, things in the Ford camp are not as rosy as
they seem to be with the other manufacturers, as it wouldn’t have changed
Swear-it’s position (last on the lead lap) one iota to let a member of the Ford
team pass in the waning laps to race for the lead among the leaders.
As it
was, with about five to go, Busch League punted Mutt up the track and passed
him, bringing Havoc along as well. Mutt recovered to hold third position for
the moment, but with only two laps left the Car with the Flames pulled the same
trick, booting Mutt high and sliding beneath him for third place. Now, those of
you that have been reading these reports for a while know that on occasion,
when provoked, mild-mannered Mutt ducks into a phone booth and emerges as Mad
Dog Kenseth.
Mad Dog
only meant to rattle the cage of Flameboy, I’m sure, but when he tapped his
bumper, he effectively extinguished the Flames for the day, sending the Rainbow
car spinning from third place to a 21st place finish. After the
race, Flameboy emerged from his losing effort without removing his helmet,
giving him a marked resemblance to Neil Armstrong when he walked on the moon. A
very apologetic Mutt extended a hand in friendship and tried to explain that he
never meant to turn the Flames around. His apology was answered with a huge
shove from Flameboy, who later explained on TV why it was fine for him to hit
and pass Mutt but it was not OK for Mutt to do the same. (I think I heard
something about four Championships and “respect”) It’s still gonna cost ya
Jeff.
Out on
the track, Busch League was having the celebration of a lifetime as he spun
doughnuts for the crowd and then climbed from the car. Reminiscent of the
lovely weather of the weekend, he lay prone on the start/finish line and
created an imaginary snow angel, which I found to be quite clever. Some in the
stands obviously disagreed and hooted their displeasure, but I don’t think he
minded one bit. It was his fifth win at
Arriving
in Victory Lane waving an American flag, he alit from the car to be alternately
hugged by Eva and then harassed… or interviewed… by Jeannie Zelasko.
(Baseball season will be here before you know it) Busch League described his 5th
win at
Note to
the TV audience: At some point during the race, I scribbled a note to myself
that said those watching the race on TV might as well watch a rerun of American
Idol. It was like one giant commercial, occasionally interrupted by small
segments about cars spinning and/or hitting each other. Think about this; how
many live restarts did you see throughout the race… three? By my count, there
were eighteen at the track. *sigh*
That’s
exactly the way it was in snowy
~LIB
And now
that she’s done doing her thing, let’s have a wonderful Classic Country
Closeout. This is a Grand Ole Opry presentation from 1956. Ah yes, 18 and
single! Life was good in 1956. Please enjoy!
Be well gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling.
It looks so good on you!
~PattyKay